2015 just began, and people are all over their social media platforms exclaiming how much weight they plan on losing, how much better this year will be from last and how much they learned from 2014, and I commend these people for making these goals and posting brave statements on Facebook; however, I feel like we should be learning every year, and each year should be better than the last. I guess we should all be healthy too, but I really just love donuts and ice cream too much to care about that. I've only set two goals for myself this year:
1. Read 50 books for Goodread's Reading Challenge
2. Believe I'm good enough
I am not going to plan to blog more, because if I did that then I would make blogging a job, and I've only kept up with this blog because it's fun. It's so freeing to not be afraid of letting people get to know me (I'm über shy in person), and it's so fun to see people enjoying my writing. I'm not going to plan to save up a certain amount of money, because as long as the bills are paid we are allowed to enjoy our lives. I'm not going to plan to stop drinking soda because that's just ridiculous; I love soda, and maybe I'll change my mind if I get a kidney stone. I'm going to run, but I'm running for my mental health and not to lose weight. I don't want to get on the scale and be disappointed that I haven't lost those ten pounds yet. And why do I need to lose ten pounds anyway? I'm going to write for myself, and I'm not going to worry that I haven't started that New York Times Bestseller yet, because I'm twenty-two years old.
I'm going to read. I'm going to read because I used to read every. single. day; it's the reason I studied English Literature throughout college. I'm going to read because it makes me happy. I'm going to read because I need to read.
I'm not reaching for intangible goals here, because I've tried that. I'm lazy, and I'm forgetful, and I will hate myself if I resolve to start cooking this year, and then I will forget I said I would.
John has always suggested that I look at myself in the mirror each morning and say, "You are beautiful, and you are worthy." I went into his room this morning after I woke up, and I was sad. I was sad, and I had only been awake for ten minutes. I'm stressed about not having a job. I'm stressed about not having my own place to live until he graduates. I'm upset about not having my dog with me. I'm angry about events I have no control over.
And I'm pretty sure this isn't how life is meant to be lived. I'm pretty sure I'm just supposed to roll with it. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to enjoy the idea that John asked me out on our first date a year ago today instead of being flustered that I'm basically a potato. Because that memory of our first date makes me smile when I'm feeling lousy and unworthy. Eating gummy dinosaurs and laughing at all the sprouts in my sandwich will always make me happier than a six-figure salary. His smile makes me feel like his ever-so-reliable sidekick. He makes me feel like I can do anything, and if he believes I can then shouldn't I too? Shouldn't I know that I'm good enough? But it's hard when you've been so difficult on yourself for so long. It's even harder when you've had these dreams in your head for after you graduate for so long that go like this:
1. When I graduate I'm going to be famous.
2. When I go to Fresh Market today an agent will come up to me and I will be famous!
3. That person is my friend + they are famous = I am famous?
4. Food for dayzzzzz
5. Wow, I'm going to be famous!
And then you graduate, and you are a potato. You're no one to these companies that you are applying at. You tutored all year for $8.50 an hour and your baby sister is selling purses for $13.00/hr. You're just this little floppy fish, and Facebook tells you that you are behind. It tells you that everyone around you is exceeding. They are working for the New York Effing Times, and you are applying at Sonic and you can't even effing roller skate.
And I'm not going to allow myself to be so hard on me any longer, because I get to sleep until ten each day for a little while longer. I get to enjoy reading a book. I get to enjoy being a potato. And I get to realize how mean I've been to me. I am good, and I am good enough. Everyone is. I'm going to look at myself in the morning and love myself, and I don't think it's going to be easy at all, but I think it's going to make me feel better than fame, fortune or an unreachable resolution ever could.
****** WARMEST OF WISHES IN YOUR NEW ENDEAVORS******